Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:32 NLT
One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a believer has centered around forgiveness. Like many people, I love to receive God’s forgiveness for my sins but struggle with giving forgiveness to those who’ve sinned against me. It’s like C.S. Lewis once said: “We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it.” [1]
In Ephesians 4:32, the Apostle Paul instructs believers to forgive one another as God through Christ has forgiven them. This is not an easy teaching to follow, and one of the aspects which can make forgiveness difficult is the misunderstanding about what forgiveness is. Here are five misunderstandings many believers have about forgiveness.
1. Forgiveness isn’t dependent on the other person apologizing. Forgiveness is canceling the debt someone owes you and placing it, and them, in God’s hands (Romans 12:19-21). You don’t have to wait for someone to apologize. That day may never come. But you can place the weight of all the pain they caused you at the foot of the cross and let Jesus begin the work of healing you today.
2. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. Forgiveness is a lot like exercise. If you wait until you feel like it, you’ll probably never do it. Forgiveness is a decision to give to someone what your Heavenly Father, through Jesus, gave you (Colossians 3:13). The feelings may come later, but don’t wait until you feel like forgiving before you commit to the process of forgiveness. Rather, decide to begin to forgive today and trust the Lord to help you with your feelings.
3. Forgiveness isn’t downplaying what happened. When you forgive someone, you’re not condoning what they did. If what they did to you was okay, you wouldn’t need to forgive them. Rather, forgiveness starts by admitting you were hurt and acknowledging your pain. Downplaying your pain only creates more pain.
4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. The old saying, “forgive and forget” may sound nice but it is simply not true. The fact is you will remember how someone has mistreated you. It’s part of how our brains are wired to protect us from danger. Instead of trying to forget (which you won’t be able to do), focus on God’s blessings to you (Philippians 4:6), His promises for you (Hebrews 10:23), and connecting with safe people who can support you (Galatians 6:2).
5. Forgiveness doesn’t mean going back to the way things were. God does not expect you to stay in an unhealthy situation forever. If someone is mistreating you, you’ve tried talking to them about it, but they won’t change, you will need to set boundaries to protect yourself (Matthew 18:15-17). Those boundaries may include leaving a conversation if things get heated, only talking with them when there’s a safe person like a pastor or counselor with you, or even taking an extended time apart. While forgiveness doesn’t require the other person to apologize or change, reconciliation does.
God doesn’t expect or necessarily ask you to trust this person right away even if they do repent (Proverbs 22:3). Trust is something that needs to be earned (Proverbs 25:19). Don’t let them or anyone else pressure you into trusting someone who hasn’t proven themselves trustworthy to you.
Forgiveness is a process. It’s not quick and easy. Understanding what forgiveness is, and is not, will pave the way to better relationships and more peace in your life.
Dig Deeper
1. Of the five things forgiveness isn’t, which one do you struggle with the most? What about that has been hard for you?
2. Who is someone you need to forgive? How can knowing what forgiveness isn’t help you to forgive? What is one step you will take this week to help you in the forgiveness process?
