Finding love and romance can feel like an impossible task. So how can we know if the person we're dating, or the person we're interested in, is who we should spend the rest of our life with? Here are 4 steps outlining what the Bible says about finding love and romance as a single.
Step 1: Getting ready for love and romance.
"Jesus grew in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and all the people." - Luke 2:52 (NLT)
One of the most important lessons I ever learned about dating was from a professor in college.
I dated a girl named "Carrie" my first year in college. We'd only been going out for a few weeks when she broke up with me. I was crushed.
A couple of weeks after the break-up, I was listening to one of my professors in class. During the lecture, she began to talk about dating. She said you can't have a healthy relationship with someone else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.
After her lecture, I realized what I had been doing wrong. I had been so dependent on "Carrie" that I hadn't made sure I could be a healthy person apart from her. My neediness had been the very thing that had driven her away.
In today's verse, we read that Jesus grew in wisdom (intellectually) and in, stature (physically), and in favor with God (spiritually) and man (relationally). Therefore, to have a healthy relationship with the love OF our life, we need to be fit in these four areas IN our life.
Here are a few actions you can take to become healthier in these areas:
- Read and listen to helpful content. Never stop learning. Read books and listen to podcasts on subjects you're interested in and need help on. Attend classes and seminars that will help you sharpen your skills and develop your mind. Doing these things will help you reach your full potential.
- Eat healthy, exercise, and rest. Our body impacts every aspect of our lives. If you take care of your body, your body will take care of you.
- Develop spiritual disciplines. Spend time each day reading a passage of Scripture and praying. Attend church once a week. Tithe. Spend time meditating. Journal. These are all ways God uses to grow us spiritually and draw us closer to Him.
- Build healthy relationships with the people in your life. Harvey Mackay once said, "The quality of our life is determined by the quality of our relationships." If you want to get healthy, you need to have healthy relationships. Do your part to resolve the conflict in your life. Spend more time with people who are growing [PD5] spiritually. Surround yourself with positive people. Minimize the time you have to spend with negative people.
Getting healthy is a life-long commitment. Even when you meet the love of your life and get married, you don't get a pass to stop growing in these areas. It's not easy, but the more you work on these four areas, the healthier you'll become and the closer you'll be to meeting the one you've been waiting for
Which of the 4 areas do you need to work on the most right now?
Step 2: Knowing who you should date.
"Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble." - Proverbs 13:20 (NLT)
I didn't know what was causing all the conflict in "Barbara's" relationship.
She and her boyfriend had been dating for two years. They were attracted to each other and had a lot of shared interests. Barbara seemed to be a strong, committed Christian, but something wasn't right.
Finally, I asked Barbara to tell me about her boyfriend's relationship with Jesus. She confessed she wasn't sure if he even had one. It was then that I realized the root of their problems.
I shared with Barbara that she was building her relationship on two different foundations. Her foundation was Christ. Her boyfriend was not. Their completely different outlooks on life were the source of most, if not all, of their relational conflict.
It can be easy to judge your compatibility with someone by their appearance and personality when you're single, but that isn't enough. Dating works best when both people in the relationship have a growing relationship with Jesus.
Whether you're single or dating someone right now, you must answer these two questions.
1. Do they have a relationship with Christ?
"Don't team up with those who are unbelievers...How can light live with darkness?...How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?" - 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (NLT)
A building can't have two foundations. It must have one solid foundation to last. The same is true of your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Jesus said in Matthew 7:24-27 that He is the best foundation you will ever find. So if the person you're dating, or are interested in dating, hasn't given their life to Christ, you should think twice about the relationship.
2. Are they growing in their relationship with Christ?
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" - Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)
It's not enough for them to simply have a relationship with Christ. They must be growing spiritually. The Apostle Paul describes in Galatians 5:22-23 what a person growing in their relationship with Jesus is like. Use this as a checklist to help you and your boyfriend or girlfriend see how you're doing spiritually.
No relationship is perfect. We've all got our issues. If you want to get your relationship off to a good start, find answers to these two questions. It could save you a lot of time and heartache.
If you're dating someone right now, how would you answer the above two questions? If you're not sure, what do you think that tells you?
Step 3: How to meet the right person.
"...Bad company corrupts good character." - 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NLT)
Taking the initiative to get to know and ask out someone you like is hard. There's a lot of anxiety that comes from putting yourself out there. Of course, nobody wants to be rejected, but we could miss out on something unique if we don't take the chance.
My wife and I met in college. As we got to know each other and became friends, my feelings for her began to grow. Eventually, I wanted to be more than friends. It took a long time for me to work up the courage to ask her out (she would say it took TOO long). It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
How can you meet and develop a relationship with someone you like and want to date? Here are three keys to helping you meet the right person:
1. Pray for the person you should marry.
"...You don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it." - James 4:2 (NLT)
Praying for your future spouse is one of the best things you can do for your future spouse. First, ask God to help them grow in their relationship with Him. Ask God to watch over them and keep them safe. Finally, ask God to help you guys meet at the right time.
2. Get advice from wise mentors.
"Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life." - Proverbs 19:20 (NLT).
Who do you know who has a godly relationship and marriage? Offer to buy them coffee or a meal. Ask them to share what they've learned about having a relationship honoring God. They say experience is the best teacher, but it doesn't always have to be your experience.
3. Take the initiative to meet people.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)
You'll never meet your mate if all you do is wait. Get plugged into your church and Join a small group or a ministry team. Get involved in a singles ministry. Join a Bible club on campus, or start one if your school doesn't have one. Introduce yourself to people and show an interest in them.
Dating isn't easy. You won't get it right every time. But each step you take is another step closer to finding love and romance.
Talk It Over
- How often are you praying for your future spouse? What are some things you can be praying about for them this week?
- Who are some godly couples you can reach out to for advice about dating and marriage?
- How can you take the initiative and start meeting people this week?
Step 4: Thriving as a Couple.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
Have you ever wanted to know what happy and healthy couples do to be happy and healthy?
I thought about this question a lot when I started dating my wife, so I asked around. I met with several couples thriving in their relationship to see what their "secret" was. Some of them were dating, like my wife and me. Others had been married for several years or several decades.
The couples I talked to came from different backgrounds and walks of life, but they all had these four things in common. So here's what they did that I want to challenge you to do in your relationship so you can thrive as a couple:
1. Watch what you watch.
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." - Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
You've probably heard the old saying, "Garbage In, Garbage Out." It's a phrase computer programmers use to talk about coding. If you put harmful code into the computer, the computer will spit out the wrong product. The same is true for you. Unfortunately, if you put garbage in your head, that's what will come out of your life and relationships.
2. Establish boundaries in your relationship.
"Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)
When my wife and I first started dating, we set up some boundaries. We agreed we wouldn't live together or sleepover at each other's place. We wouldn't be alone at night unless other people were around. These are just to name a few. You don't have to use our boundaries, but I want to encourage you to discuss a few. If you're unsure where to begin, check out Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud.
3. Grow together.
"When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours." - Romans 1:12 (NLT)
One of the best ways to stay together is to grow together. So how do you go about that? Worship, Pray and Join a small group together. Read the Bible, Serve and Share the Good News together. These are all ways you can grow together as a couple.
4. Find someone to hold you accountable.
"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." - James 5:16 (NLT)
Do you have someone who will ask you the hard questions and who you can be totally honest with? Accountability helps us do something about our blind spots. We all have them. The question is, will you have someone help you with them?
Talk It Over
- On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate what you watch and listen to?
- What kind of boundaries do you have in your relationship right now?
- How are you and your boyfriend or girlfriend growing together?
- Who do you have in your life that can hold you accountable?
