This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin. – Hebrews 4:15 NLT
Divorce has devastated children, leaving them wounded and traumatized. Healing after a divorce and adjusting to a new normal is hard work. The process is an uphill battle. In his book, “The Quick-Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling”, Dr. Tim Clinton states, “Research shows that for most children, the pain they feel from the breakup of their home is just as painful ten years after the divorce as it was at the time of divorce. The pain follows them into adulthood and affects their personalities and life choices.” Although this is an alarming statistic, there is hope as we commit to a plan. Divorce does cause wounds, but healing is always available. If you’re speaking to your children about a divorce, here are a few points to consider.
1. Tell your children it’s not their fault. Too often, children blame themselves for the divorce. This leads to anxiety and stress. It is your responsibility to let them know the divorce is not a result of their doing.
2. Find a counselor. Remember, your child needs a place to process their emotions. Counseling is a safe place for this. Not only is it safe for the child, but for the parent as well. Contact a licensed counselor and be open to receiving counsel. In addition to this, lean on your church community or people that you trust. Establishing a strong support system is key as you move forward.
3. Share the plan moving forward. Be direct about what your child should expect moving forward. Communication is key here. Once you share the plan, stick to it and keep communicating.
4. Don’t speak negatively about the other parent. Your emotions might be all over the place during this time. Refrain from negativity. The temptation will be to speak from a wounded place. This often leads to destructive words against the other parent which tears the child down as well. Don’t give in to the temptation. Ephesians 4:29 states, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
5. Keep life as normal as possible. If your child is in sports, keep them in sports. Remember, your child’s life has already been altered. Simplifying is key here.
6. Allow your child to express their feelings and listen to them. Not only do you have strong feelings about the divorce, but so does your child. Create space for the child to share what’s on their heart. From anger to sadness, their emotions need to be validated. Encourage your child to process their emotions with you and the Lord. Reading the Psalms is also a helpful tool to process emotions. There are many Psalms that connect with what we experience when we are in pain. Specifically, Psalm 27 and Psalm 34 are great chapters to dive into.
7. Assure them that they will be safe and protected throughout the process. Your child’s primary question is, “Will I be okay?” They need to be assured you will walk with them every step of the way and that things will still be okay. Will there be a grieving process? Yes, and a painful one. However, your parental presence will help your child navigate through the loss. Never underestimate the ministry of being intentionally present.
Dig Deeper
1. What is one step you can take to formulate a plan as you prepare to speak with your child?
2. What is one step you can take to keep life simple for your child?
