Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, yet many couples struggle to maintain complete honesty about money.
A recent report from John Stevenson Consulting reveals that nearly half of US adults admit to committing financial infidelity — whether it's concealing purchases, hiding accounts, or lying about debt. The survey includes feedback from 1,000 Americans of different ages across 49 states.
Although its impact on relationships is hard to measure, the study shows financial infidelity is widespread and generally corrosive to the trust that underpins healthy relationships. In response to the survey, financial advisors across the US are weighing in on the causes of financial infidelity and their guidance for building more transparency around money with loved ones.
Love, Lies, and Ledgers
Money has long been tricky to discuss before relationships become a reality, especially on first dates. Even financial gurus like Ramit Sethi, who preach the virtues of financial communication, feel it's not conversation material for an initial rendezvous.
The concept of financial infidelity is relatively recent, and society is still forming a consensus on what may constitute being monetarily unfaithful. There are wildly divergent views on financial infidelity.
Many see small-time money dishonesty as white lie-adjacent. Stevenson found that for 74% of Americans, being financially unfaithful isn't nearly as severe as lying about other things. In other words, while it is not ideal to be financially "cheating," keeping a few money secrets tends not to be as destructive as sleeping around.
For a minority, though, it is a deadly sin. One in five Americans believe it's just as bad as physical infidelity, according to the survey.
"Money is highly emotional, and every couple has a different dynamic when it comes to finances based on their personal experience, education level, and upbringing," says Charles Petitjean, Financial Planner at Barker Wealth Management.
"Some people see financial secrecy as a harmless white lie, while for others, it's as serious as cheating. I think the key question is: why is someone lying? Hiding a surprise gift is very different from secretly racking up credit card debt behind a partner's back."
Hey Big Spender
In theory, picking a partner who aligns with your money values may seem logical. Yet, as in many other aspects of the real dating world, fiscal opposites attract. While some couples are open and transparent, others struggle to align their financial values and habits.
"In every relationship, there is usually a spender and a saver — one person who is more comfortable discussing money and another who prefers to avoid the conversation altogether," Derrick Alexander Jr., Owner of Greater Works Wealth.
"The saver knows that if the spender sees the money, it will be gone, so they may keep a few separate accounts on the side."
Gender roles can also illuminate the differences in expectations between couples. Stevenson's report found men are twice as likely as women to hide significant purchases from their partners — and 20% of men admit to secretly spending over $1,000.
If women have control or influence over 80% of consumer buying decisions, why are men more secretive about their purchases? According to Forbes, women in the US control or influence roughly 85% of day-to-day spending decisions and 80% of healthcare spending decisions for their households. That disparity may explain men's covert financial ops.
"85% is a big percentage," says Terry Parham Jr., Founder of Innovative Wealth Building. "Maybe that's why men feel like they need to be secretive about their spending because they think it's the only way they'll be able to buy what they want without feeling judged."
Parham says spending may also conflict with a man's sense of his historical role as the economic provider.
"While times have changed, some of that old-school mindset might still linger," he adds. "Maybe some men feel a little self-conscious about spending on things that aren't absolute necessities… or they know that their purchase doesn't align with the financial values they say they live by. If you're hiding a purchase, it's usually because you're afraid of something."
Personal Matter
Sometimes, being financially apart from your spouse can be necessary. Petitjean says that in circumstances of financial abuse, a gambling spouse, or certain second marriages, a separate account makes sense.
"I always tell people: having your own account is fine, but hiding it is where things get murky," he adds. "If the reason for keeping it secret is fear or mistrust, that's worth addressing."
Stevenson asked survey respondents about just how much they share. Only 16% of survey respondents say they are totally transparent about their finances, while 55% are mostly transparent but keep some money details to themselves.
Generational changes also inform views on the matter. While only 45% of baby boomers perceive financial infidelity as more common nowadays, that number rises to 60% for Gen X and 67% for both millennials and Gen Z.
Nathan Mueller, Founder of BlackBird Finance, says that younger married couples often use separate bank accounts.
"It's hard to understand why," Mueller reflects. "The research shows that couples who completely share finances are more likely to be satisfied in their relationship and stay together longer than couples who keep some or all accounts separate," he says.
Yet some financial advisors see it as a gateway drug toward more serious misdeeds.
"I've always believed that trust needs to exist in every area of a relationship," says Parham. "The moment someone starts being dishonest about money (whether it's hiding debt, keeping a secret account, or lying about purchases), it creates a crack in the foundation of the relationship. And cracks, when left unchecked, can turn into major fractures and full-blown relationship earthquake."
Financial infidelity is complex and impacts relationships in many ways. One thing is clear, though — it is becoming a prevalent part of Americans' love lives. While some see it as relatively harmless, for others, it seriously undermines trust.
Financial advisors agree that clear communication and transparency on money, to the degree each person feels comfortable with, are vital in maintaining a healthy relationship over the long term.